Eli at Coach Daddy blog does a monthly feature called 6 Words which he invites folks to participate in and answer a prompt in 6 words. July is “freedom from fear of speaking” month and Eli wanted to give people an opportunity to say something to someone – or the universe – that they haven’t yet, for whatever reason. In six words. Do head over and see what folks had to say.
The topic has me thinking in all kinds of directions and I certainly have more than six words to say about it.
I see the issue as spanning a pretty large continuum. At one end is the quite personal, literal fear of speaking. Like what grips me when I imagine standing on a stage and speaking to an audience of hundreds. In the scheme of things this is literally quite uncomfortable, and may well escalate into anxiety and panic that prevent me from speaking, but the truth is it’s not life-threatening.
At the other end the continuum though speaking may literally endanger one’s life, and so of course that’s something to fear. One need only glance at Amnesty International website to understand there are horrifying numbers of people across the world imprisoned for speaking their mind, for speaking their truth, for speaking against the dominant paradigm in valid dissent.
It’s clear to me we really have a significant way to go with the freedom of speech issue, and yet it’s also obvious it’s a nuanced issue as well. It’s easy to stand firm on the absolute side of freedom of speech when we consider those who are clearly political prisoners. But it gets a bit murkier when we think more personally – such as instances of public shaming or blog trolling or simple straight-forward verbal meanness. We need more than legal protection from that – we need a shift in our overall societal values. We need to be living in a world where we aren’t harming each other, period.
I think about that a lot, and sometimes it just feels overwhelming at the micro level of me – a single person with very little influence. And yet that’s what I have to work with – there’s no other place to begin except where you are. And so I strive to live from a place of loving-kindness and I would always hope that my words lead to greater wholeness rather than deeper separation.
Shifting a bit, back to the idea at the more personal level of fear of speaking, I think we all have examples in our life when we didn’t say what we wanted out of fear. I suspect the actual things we were/are afraid of are as endlessly varied as we are.
I certainly have regrets about some things I didn’t say. I’ve hung on to some relationships past the time when saying “enough” would have been the right thing. But most of all one of the things I’ve regretted is I think I may not have said “I love you” enough to my sister before she died.
The truth of the matter is it was many many years ago, when I was in my 20s and I can view with great compassion that younger version of myself who was afraid. And luckily my sister was totally awesome and knew how much I loved her anyway. So in the end it’s all good. But importantly it taught me something that I’ve carried with me every day since. I’m not afraid to tell people I love them anymore. I tell them often. Because in my world it really is the only thing that matters, and we all need to hear it.
Wrapping up this little meander around the subject of freedom from fear of speaking, I have a few things to suggest:
- I think everyone should all be trained in the art of non-violent communication, so that we never hold back what we want to say because of fear of how it will be received. And such training can only be an asset to creating a world where peace is norm.
- Consider what you can do to support meaningful freedom of speech. Maybe that’s working to strengthen laws; maybe that’s celebrating those who given us so much through their own sacrifices of freedom; maybe it’s supporting the efforts of agencies and people like Amnesty International; or maybe it’s something different altogether that’s right-fit for you.
- Be an agent of love and tell people you love them. When we hold enough love, it’s much easier to stay out of judgment, and when we stay out of judgment we don’t need to be operating in separation consciousness. And when we’re really anchored in unity consciousness, there really isn’t anything to fear any more. I call that winning through love.
Now tell me what you think – you know I love to hear.
I know it’s limited, just being one person with a message, but it can be powerful based on one connection at a time. I think of Nelson Mandela often, as well as Elie Wiesel, Victor Frankel, Ghandi, and even Oprah. Their messages spread because of their heart messages, and the range got farther and deeper. 🙂
You’re absolutely right Naomi.
As Americans we do sometimes forget how lucky we are. How wonderful it would be if we would all use our right to free speech to lift others up rather than bring them down. “Winning through love.” That’s it!
Indeed Mo. And thanks so much for stopping by – I appreciate it!
Very thoughtful post – I love Coach Daddy – and this was a good choice. I believe our Freedom of Speech is was truely makes up free in many ways. But – with it – comes responsibility that people have just forgotten they have. No – it shouldn’t be used to publicly shame or humiliate someone – or bully them. I like your part about when you know when to say “enough” and another work that is very powerful that I’ve been reading about is the word NO – which is a complete sentence.
Freedom of speech is such an important liberty, but as you say, all our collective values come with responsibility as well.
Public speaking is not one of my fears, but romantic communication is–I have had some nasty experiences with trying to tell women I am attracted to them (in appropriate settings, mind you.)
Sorry about the hard Scott. But that’s also brings up a point I’ve been thinking about – how interesting it is the way our fears get categorized. And how fascinating it would be if we could untie those knots and not generalize from specific instances. I understand of course that’s our brain’s way of attempting to protect us, but how much freer could we be if we didn’t have those limitations.
Reading your post made me reflect on my own life and how much fear I used to have of speaking my truth… in almost any settings. We start without that fear, then somewhere along the way it gets installed into us and then as we get older and wiser, it seems to loosen its grip. Oh, but how much different my life would have been without it! And I’m thinking of my kids… while I cannot protect them completely, I can change my little bit of the future by enoucraging them to speak up and respecting other people who do the same. Thanks for giving me some food for thought today.
That’s a great observation Tat – that we grow into fear and then it seems to lessen at some point as we age and grow more wise. And yay you for considering how you can help your kids navigate this issue.
Beautifully said, Deborah. Thanks for taking part in the post and for this excellent extension. I love when the six words lead to so many more.
Imagine what could happen if we could both speak more mindfully and listen with more understanding and less defensiveness.
That’s a beautiful thing to imagine and strive for Eli.
And thanks so much for inviting me to play along in your 6 Words challenge – it’s always a delight.
You’ve given a lot of thought to our rights and fears to speak our minds. Very few of us are taught how to communicate effectively as children. I often teach corporate leaders simple techniques for giving feedback without escalating issues. I think, at the end of the day, everyone just wants to be heard and respected. When we communicated effectively it builds trust – and once trust is built almost any words can be heard without fear.
I absolutely agree Michelle.
Amazing what a 6 word prompt can conjure up, ‘eh Deborah? Hi. I read this over twice so that I could fully absorb the message. And I am leaving feeling more hopeful about the state of things. Thank you. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.
I think there’s much to be hopeful about Kelly – and that’s always a good thing isn’t it? Wishing you a wonderful weekend as well.
What a powerful post. Your last words touched my heart deeply, ‘winning with love’ WOW! So, I re-read the post looking for your six word choice and still didn’t see it. What did you submit for your six words?
Thanks for the kind words about the post Elda. The 6 words don’t appear in this post, but rather over at Coach Daddy’s blog. But since you ask they were ” Lost my focus. Will begin again.”
I very much disagree that you, as one person, have little influence. For one, you wrote this post less than a week ago and you have 17 comments (or more, by the time anyone reads this). These are 17 people who spoke up and commented. There are multitudes more, under the surface, who have read your work and thought deeply about it and it has changed their lives a bit. They, in turn, may have said something to a neighbor or a friend that impacted their life. It is never the ONE event but the chain of events of our everyday actions that cause an impact. It is crucial to remember this and each day to try to make your influence as positive an influence as possible for all those you encounter. That is our lifelong job, whether we choose to admit it or not. As a person who has read your blog for some time, I have to say that you have had a huge impact on my life. You introduce me to new and wonderful things constantly and have inspired me to do the same for others. You bring up deep issues that need to be discussed. You challenge me to be more real and present just by writing this and being daring enough to put it out there.
I think that you bring up a very interesting point about this conflict of two freedoms: freedom of speech and freedom of being persecuted by others. This has come up some for me lately too. If you are trying to be mean to me in order to practice your freedom of speech, that is not right. There are fundamental laws that span all religions of how people should be treated fairly. We know that this is true because there is generally consensus of appropriate behavior at United Nations, which is a cross-section representation of many of the world’s cultures and religions. We need some massive behavior modification but it is only going to happen if I change how I behave. That is all that I can ever do.
That was a pretty loving call out Amy – and one I clearly needed to hear. I do think you’re right, we are all influential. And it’s up to each of us to wield that with integrity. Thanks for the reminder.
Very interesting post. I agree that we often don’t say I love you enough. While that phrase is used frequently between many of my family members and friends, there is one where it is almost never said. I think about it all the time and wonder why that is…I don’t have an answer…and maybe it’s time to break that cycle. It is a challenge to feel free to fully speak our minds and also free from being attacked by others for our thoughts and words. We have to remember that we aren’t responsible for how others take what we say and, as long as we do what we do in love, all is good. I started a thread on FB the other day about vaccinations. I simply shared an article. There were mixed responses to it and I kept waiting for it to get ugly but it really never did. People were kind and I did my best to remind everyone that we all want to be good parents and knowing what the best thing to do is can be very very challenging and we are all just doing the best we can. Others commented as well that it was nice to have a good conversation about it without people being unkind to each other. I’d love to see more of that take place.
I enjoy imagining we’re all Ambassadors of Love – it’s such a fun way to think about how we walk in the world and everyone with us.
I, too, would like to see more conversations anchored in kindness even when the discussion enters grounds where there likely is not shared agreement. While it’s not always easy to hold what I consider sacred space, I think the more we do it, and the more we make our expectations known that our conversational containers ARE sacred, the easier it becomes. Here’s to loving-kindness in everything!